I do not FUCKING deserve this from YOU, and I NEVER FUCKING HAVE.
I have NEVER done anything so goddamned awful to you that you get to do this to me over and over and over
and you are right
i do not want this to be better anymore
I have tried so hard.
do you even know? how hard? how much of my life, how much effort have i put into this, into you
so much more than i have gotten in return. so much more.
It's not fair to be treated like this. Like I do not matter. Like I am an annoying child who just can't listen.
You are the one who is allowed to drive off. Just drive away, leave me here, crying. Again. and Again. Whenever you are angry you are allowed to do whatever you want.
And me? No. not quite so much.
If i do anything it is so bad.
And how many times have I tried to talk to you? How many? Can you count them?
There are too many. I have put forth so much effort
where is yours
where has it ever been.
I don't believe that I even want this anymore. I am thinking one moment, with my "revelation" that I can fix US. FIX US. FIX US FIX US THAT IS ALL I EVER SAY. Do you think we can fix us? Of course you do, because you plan to have me to all of the fixing.
And it still breaks. God I can never get it right. such a failure.
It takes two people to make a relationship.
TWO.
not one. not one trying harder than they have ever tried at anything while one does not listen or cooperate with anything it says.
You have told me you will try and yet. It never happens does it.
and here i am saying this now.
When you come home in the morning, or rather, if you come home BY the morning, it will not matter will it? my anger will have faded. all this hurt will have been washed away tonight as you drive as far as possible from me, because i am that unbearable.
do you know how you make me feel?
i cannot hold. i cannot hold us together. i cannot be the only thing trying.
i cannot continue to cry my eyes out over and over and over again for you; hoping that once, maybe once you will care again, and not think that it is just acting. because it is never acting. god i feel it.
you will come home and i am sure you will apologize in some sort of way; the kind of way that is not a real apology. becuase you are not sorry and you will not be sorry.
and i will move on. and i will keep trying.
because somehow i still have faith in this when all you do is show me why i shouldn't.